Is that an oxymoron? Marriage and independence?A new book called "The Marriage -Go-Round" says Americans hold two conflicting views. Apparently we're looking for the ideal partner and to be fulfilled. When the wedded bliss dims, we seek divorce. This is a problem when children are part of the equation.
Sociologist Andrew Cherlin says we are more concerned now about personal growth than ever before. Is that another way of saying we want it all? I wonder if we can have it all? Or do we, dare I say it, have to settle?
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Dan Savage made a good point the other day in his podcast that we put undue pressure on ourselves and others by believing we can love only one person at a time. We think, "if I develop feelings for or get a crush on someone else, that necessarily means that my feelings for whoever came before are dead or worthless." But in actual fact, we will fall in love many times over the course of our lives, and sometimes with more than one person at once. There's no reason why one person can't feel love for more than one person at a time. The sooner we accept that, the more liveable our long-term relationships become.
ReplyDeleteI tend to agree with his point.
Thanks for sending that link to Dan's podcast. It's an interesting take on monogomy and marriage. It sure sounds like it boils down to communication.
ReplyDeleteMy take is that it boils down to acceptance. He advocates accepting your feelings if you develop a crush on someone who is not your partner... and vice versa, if you partner develops a crush on someone else, you should accept it too. Because it's going to happen. And it does not mean, as our society seems to think, that if you have feelings for someone new you must put an end to the feelings you have for whoever came first, because we're allowed to love only one person at a time.
ReplyDeleteIn the end, Dan Savage is actually quite pro-relationship. In addition to the viewpoint discussed above, he often takes the position that "if you loved someone once, you can love them again," and "there's no such thing as setting down without settling for." Viewed through this point of view, it's when we forget these two things that we choose to end relationships - in breakups and divorce.
And as he is fond of saying, "every relationship you will ever be in will fail... until one doesn't."